Hey y'all! Hope you're all doing well. Thanks for deciding my thoughts are worth reading. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I feel like I need to warn you all that I'm going to be talking about rape in this one, and that it might be a rougher post than normal. This blog is meant to be a record of my journey of growing in faith, and so I really feel like I need to write this.
Let's get into it.
Perhaps the primary lesson God is teaching me this semester is the beautiful truth that salvation is for everyone. Jesus died for everyone. He died for the marginalized and oppressed. He died for those cast out by culture and even by the church. Everyone. And I'd love to reflect on what that means some other time. But what I am thinking about tonight is a more difficult part of "everyone" that Jesus died for.
Last month, at church, I saw the man who, two years ago, raped a friend of mine.
My entire body tensed in anger. What was he doing here? The more I thought about it, the more livid I became. And it took all of my self control to not walk up to him and start saying something that I would have regretted.
The message that night was great. It was about God's peace, and trusting in God when life gets difficult or confusing. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not make myself be okay with the fact that the truth of the sermon applied to both me and to the rapist sitting about fifteen seats away from me. As I was praising God for his endless forgiveness, so was he.
I thought of a conversation I had with a coworker some years ago. His question was essentially, "If I killed a bunch of people, you're saying God would still forgive me? God would still let me into heaven?"
Of course, being the good knowledgeable Christian that I was, I replied with the story of Saul turned Paul. And how God erases all sin and can use everybody no matter what they've done in the past. Saul had a hand in the death of countless Christians before he turned to Christ.
Where was that Amanda now, who so boldly and joyfully proclaimed that God can forgive any sin? I found myself sitting confused and angry at a God who would forgive and love a rapist. A God who would give the same promise of peace and hope to both me and him. And quite frankly, I am still sitting angry and confused trying to figure it out.
I do not think it is inherently wrong for me to be uncomfortable with this. Rape is evil. I have no doubt in my mind that every act of sexual violence that is committed grieves and angers my God. How can I reconcile this truth with the truth that "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved" (Romans 10:13)? In my human mind, God cannot be wholly merciful and wholly just simultaneously.
I do not know the heart of the man who violated my friend. I cannot judge his salvation. I cannot speak to anything that might have happened between then and now. But somehow I sit here choosing to believe that he is less deserving of God's love than I am.
I've been faced with the truth of God's forgiveness more and more as I study the book of Jonah. A lot of people know the story of Jonah as a man who ran from God and then got swallowed by a whale (though it was actually a giant fish,) prayed to God, and then was saved from the whale (fish). The Veggie Tales main theme song for the Jonah movie is "Our God is a God of Second Chances." A choir of angels shows up in the belly of the fish and serenades Jonah with this message. And it's true, y'all. God is a god of second chances. But I think people miss a larger piece of the story. I certainly had.
After Jonah gets saved from the fish, he actually goes and prophecies God's warning to the people of Ninehvah, the most evil and hostile city of that time.
Surprise surprise, God does spare Ninevah. And Jonah is pissed about it. Jonah would have hated that city and all its people. He probably at some point had prayed for God to destroy them because of the evil that was being committed in those walls. And so after Jonah leaves the city he waits around to see if God is going to destroy it and is inevitably disappointed.
Because God is a god of second chances for everybody who calls on his name.
Often I read Jonah and am amused at how foolish he is to be so blind to the truth of his own sin and the truth of God's unending grace. But not this time. When Jonah sits himself down on a cliff to watch the destruction of his enemies, I am sitting there with him. And when God challenges Jonah's anger and pride, He is challenging mine.
And I am still trying to figure it all out.
Just last week my church prayed over bibles we're sending to a pastor who works in a state prison. I began crying as I prayed over the bible I picked up, moved thinking about God's redemption reaching the incarcerated. I praised God for his ability to transform a life and to redeem everyone. I prayed for the individuals who would hold that Bible to be touched by God's power and love and freedom.
Maybe one day I'll be able to pray the same thing for this guy.
Much love,
Amanda
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
20 things I learned before I turned 20
My 20th birthday is tomorrow! Naturally, I've been reflecting over all I've learned in my entire life. I've learned a heck ton of stuff, but I thought I'd pick 20 of them and write them down on here for your reading pleasure!
In no particular order:
1. Your siblings are your God-given best friends. Treat them as such!
2. Just because the friends that you have make other close friends, it does not mean they no longer want to be friends with you.
3. Mental illness looks different for everyone. Just because your depression looks different than other people's, it does not mean your depression doesn't exist.
4. Counseling is wonderful and not only for people with serious mental illness or trauma. Everyone should do it.
5. If you are trying to love yourself based on other people loving you, you are going to be very sad all of the time and hate everything about yourself. People's opinions are not reliable.
6. Sometimes it's okay to consider your own feelings over someone else's.
7. You had better mean it before you ask God to teach you something. He follows through.
8. Confrontation and honesty MUST be paired with grace and love in order for it to be effective and for you to not come off as a huge jerk.
9. Don't hold the way someone was back then against them now. We all change and grow. If people judged me today for who I was in high school I would have no friends probably!
10. Your first relationship doesn't have to be with the person you're going to marry, regardless of what Christian college dating culture tells you.
11. You can be a feminist and a Christian.
12. Give people the benefit of the doubt. They probably did not intentionally hurt you.
13. God calls us to have a heart of flesh, not stone. Even if that means getting hurt. (Shouts to my girl Delaney for this one.)
14. Remember to take time for yourself to rest. Schedule it out if you have to.
15. Read/watch things that challenge your worldview. It's the only way you grow.
16. BE EXCITED ABOUT THINGS.
17. Listen first. Always listen first.
18. Your mom is probably right when she tells you to bring a jacket.
19. Correcting people's grammar constantly is a good way to make everybody hate you.
20. You can't expect people to reach out to you first all the time. Take the risk and make an effort first, it'll pay off.
I'm starting my senior year at UNC in August! I'm stoked and also terrified. But I look forward to learning new things and hopefully sharing some of those lessons with you. Here's to 20 years old!
In no particular order:
1. Your siblings are your God-given best friends. Treat them as such!
2. Just because the friends that you have make other close friends, it does not mean they no longer want to be friends with you.
3. Mental illness looks different for everyone. Just because your depression looks different than other people's, it does not mean your depression doesn't exist.
4. Counseling is wonderful and not only for people with serious mental illness or trauma. Everyone should do it.
5. If you are trying to love yourself based on other people loving you, you are going to be very sad all of the time and hate everything about yourself. People's opinions are not reliable.
6. Sometimes it's okay to consider your own feelings over someone else's.
7. You had better mean it before you ask God to teach you something. He follows through.
8. Confrontation and honesty MUST be paired with grace and love in order for it to be effective and for you to not come off as a huge jerk.
9. Don't hold the way someone was back then against them now. We all change and grow. If people judged me today for who I was in high school I would have no friends probably!
10. Your first relationship doesn't have to be with the person you're going to marry, regardless of what Christian college dating culture tells you.
11. You can be a feminist and a Christian.
12. Give people the benefit of the doubt. They probably did not intentionally hurt you.
13. God calls us to have a heart of flesh, not stone. Even if that means getting hurt. (Shouts to my girl Delaney for this one.)
14. Remember to take time for yourself to rest. Schedule it out if you have to.
15. Read/watch things that challenge your worldview. It's the only way you grow.
16. BE EXCITED ABOUT THINGS.
17. Listen first. Always listen first.
18. Your mom is probably right when she tells you to bring a jacket.
19. Correcting people's grammar constantly is a good way to make everybody hate you.
20. You can't expect people to reach out to you first all the time. Take the risk and make an effort first, it'll pay off.
I'm starting my senior year at UNC in August! I'm stoked and also terrified. But I look forward to learning new things and hopefully sharing some of those lessons with you. Here's to 20 years old!
Sunday, July 22, 2018
God in Friendship
So I wanted to share one of the many characteristics I've been most struck by. There's plenty of verses that speak directly about friendships. One of the most true for my season of life (and one of the more popular verses) is Proverbs 27:17, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." Along with this goes Proverbs 27:6, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of the enemy." A trait I value the most in my close friendships is the ability to call each other out on our crap. My friends challenge me to do better, to make God more of a priority, to get off my high horse, to watch the words I use more carefully. I have friends who I know will tell me the truth in love (Eph 4:15) Every Single Time no matter how it hurts me, or humbles me, or sucks to hear.
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| Here we are, seconds before we all started crying because we love each other so much. |
I find as I get to know someone more deeply, my relationship with them becomes a mirror of sorts and I can see my flaws clearer than I ever wanted to. I'm not sure if it's because I get more comfortable so I'm less guarded. I have felt such an overwhelming amount of conviction and love simultaneously from all my beautiful friends, I was at a loss for words until I made myself write this blog post.
In the literal exact same way, God doesn't shy away from calling us out on our crap. One of the duties of the Holy Spirit is conviction. Jesus says in John 16, "And when [the Holy Spirit] comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgement.... When the Spirit of truth comes he will guide you into all the truth." I absolutely love that I serve a God who constantly calls me higher. Who wants what is best for me. And at the same time he pours his never ending grace on my soul.
I'm overwhelmed by how often God is convicting my soul and at the same time wrapping me in his love and grace and walking me through my sanctification. 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
It's like this: "God, I'm sorry I really really screwed up."
And God says, "It's all good. You're forgiven."
WHAT. THAT IS SO COOL. I DON'T DESERVE THAT.
Every time my friends forgive me (which has to happen pretty often, I'm sure) I am reminded that God forgives me even more fully and more constantly than my bffs.
I could honestly go on and on about my friends because I love them more than most things and I'm so incredibly thankful for them. IF YOU ARE READING THIS I CONSIDER YOU A FRIEND AND I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU WOOHOO. But I'm going to stop for now. I hope you consider your own relationships in light of your relationship with God. I'd love to hear the ways you see God in your own friendships!
Also, since we're discussing God being like a friend to us, now is as good a time as any to remind you that this absolute BANGER exists:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8
Have a good day!
Sunday, February 4, 2018
The King of my Heart
Hey everyone! I know I never finished that humility blog post thing I said I'd do over break. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sorry about that. Life got crazy and it really hasn't stopped since then. And I truly don't forsee it chilling out any time soon.
I've been learning a heck ton, people. And these last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life for various reasons. Tonight I was finally digging into the Bible more and spending some quality time with God that didn't involve me whining to Him and then going to bed. And I felt the need to write some of this stuff out.
Recently, a friend of mine wrote me a letter (How cool is that?!) about one of my last blog posts. She wanted to remind me that I wasn't alone in how I was feeling and thanked me for being vulnerable "so that the rest of us know we're not alone either." It impacted me and it challenged me to continue to be vulnerable about parts of my life that I normally wouldn't share with all of my Facebook friends and the 100 people who do click on the link that I share. So here we go.
Basically, I'm really sick of God telling me to do things that suck. Tonight I find myself on the upswing of a really bad month. I find myself in the thick of what appears to continue to be a really difficult school year. And as I reflect on everything that has happened to me in the last year (both painful and not) I am hit with the realization that I caused all this when I committed to making God the king of my heart around this time last year.
About a year or two ago I learned what the word "heart" is referring to whenever it's mentioned in the Bible. The basic summary is this: "heart" refers to the emotional center of a person. It means your emotions, your desires, your motivations. It's your decision-maker. Here's a nice link I found that elaborates on that if you're interested.
There's also this really popular praise song that's called "King of my Heart." Now, I don't enjoy that song. So the song as a whole did not inspire any of this. But I remember hearing the beginning of the song which says, "Let the king of my heart..." And ever since then the image of making God completely sovereign over the most intimate and, what most would consider, uncontrollable parts of my being has struck my soul to its core.
Last year I prayed that God would begin molding my heart to look like his. I prayed that God would align my desires with what he desires for me. I prayed that God would use my emotions to benefit my walk with Him. I have learned yet again that one shouldn't make a commitment like this to God unless you really mean it. By the grace of God, I did mean it. And God has been following through.
And honestly, it's been quite the process.
I've learned a ton about what it means to "Trust in the Lord with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding." I've been so angry with God. I've been so weary of my life. (Not in like a suicidal way but in a HOLY CRAP IS THIS EVER GOING TO NOT SUCK kinda way.) But ultimately I've learned how to trust in God's character through the circumstances that aren't very fun. I've learned to acknowledge my disappointment and anger and sadness in a healthy way.
There are two Psalms that have helped me figure this out. The first is Psalm 42, the key verse being the final one:
I've been learning a heck ton, people. And these last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life for various reasons. Tonight I was finally digging into the Bible more and spending some quality time with God that didn't involve me whining to Him and then going to bed. And I felt the need to write some of this stuff out.
Recently, a friend of mine wrote me a letter (How cool is that?!) about one of my last blog posts. She wanted to remind me that I wasn't alone in how I was feeling and thanked me for being vulnerable "so that the rest of us know we're not alone either." It impacted me and it challenged me to continue to be vulnerable about parts of my life that I normally wouldn't share with all of my Facebook friends and the 100 people who do click on the link that I share. So here we go.
Basically, I'm really sick of God telling me to do things that suck. Tonight I find myself on the upswing of a really bad month. I find myself in the thick of what appears to continue to be a really difficult school year. And as I reflect on everything that has happened to me in the last year (both painful and not) I am hit with the realization that I caused all this when I committed to making God the king of my heart around this time last year.
About a year or two ago I learned what the word "heart" is referring to whenever it's mentioned in the Bible. The basic summary is this: "heart" refers to the emotional center of a person. It means your emotions, your desires, your motivations. It's your decision-maker. Here's a nice link I found that elaborates on that if you're interested.
There's also this really popular praise song that's called "King of my Heart." Now, I don't enjoy that song. So the song as a whole did not inspire any of this. But I remember hearing the beginning of the song which says, "Let the king of my heart..." And ever since then the image of making God completely sovereign over the most intimate and, what most would consider, uncontrollable parts of my being has struck my soul to its core.
Last year I prayed that God would begin molding my heart to look like his. I prayed that God would align my desires with what he desires for me. I prayed that God would use my emotions to benefit my walk with Him. I have learned yet again that one shouldn't make a commitment like this to God unless you really mean it. By the grace of God, I did mean it. And God has been following through.
And honestly, it's been quite the process.
I've learned a ton about what it means to "Trust in the Lord with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding." I've been so angry with God. I've been so weary of my life. (Not in like a suicidal way but in a HOLY CRAP IS THIS EVER GOING TO NOT SUCK kinda way.) But ultimately I've learned how to trust in God's character through the circumstances that aren't very fun. I've learned to acknowledge my disappointment and anger and sadness in a healthy way.
There are two Psalms that have helped me figure this out. The first is Psalm 42, the key verse being the final one:
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
The second is Psalm 121:
I lift up my eyes to the hills
From where does I help come?
My help comes from the Lord
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
not the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
When I read these Psalms, I am reminded why I gave my heart to God in the first place.
My God is worthy of my heart.
My God is good and will not treat my heart carelessly.
My God wants what is best for me.
My God is a God who is there with me when I am heartbroken or disappointed. Over this last year I have had so many friends come and sit with me and cry with me. While I sat on my bed late at night with these friends I saw such a clear picture of the kind of God I gave my heart to. And I know that my heart is in the hands of a God who will sit with me when I am sad. And he will rejoice with me when things are going well.
Ultimately I know that God will work all things out for my good (Rom. 8:28). And he remains near when I am unable to see him or unable to pray. And he will pick me back up on the other side, dust me off, and keep on walking through life with me.
I don't want it to seem like my life has been only grief and horribleness. The point of this particular post is to reaffirm that my God is good. And my God is faithful. And that I can still say that even when I'm not happy.
I love you guys. I hope you know God loves you too.
"Praise the Lord, all nations! Extol him, all peoples! For great is his steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 117
Happy February!
Amanda
Friday, December 15, 2017
A Year in Humility: The Intro
It's Christmas break and I have been blessed with the time to really reflect on what God's done in me and through be during 2017! Woohoo! God's cool.
In January, I committed to learning about humility for the whole year, Ll 12 months. My church in Greeley, Journey Christian Church, challenged everyone to pick a word that you would bring before God and focus on for the entire year. I would like to say that I chose "humility" but in reality, God chose that word for me. And let me just tell you, you'd better mean it when you tell God you want to learn about humility. Because He won't play around with that stuff.
It might be useful to begin with a brief summary of my 2017 so we both have an idea of my life events:
I wrapped up my freshman (sophomore?) year at UNC! It was an insane semester but I grew a heck ton. I went on a mission trip with Navs to Phoenix, AZ. I was chosen to be on leadership for The Navigators. I crowdsurfed for the first (and last) time. My brother and I road tripped to Salt Lake City because we had it in our minds that In-n-Out was worth a 9 hour drive there and back. (it wasn't.) Overall, quality semester.
Over the summer I did an internship with Open Door Ministries in Denver, CO. I wrote a series of 4 blog posts about that summer. So read those if you want to know about what I did and what I learned!
This fall semester was without a doubt the most difficult time of my life so far. I was faced with a lot of loneliness and feelings of inadequacy (more on that later). But a lot of really amazing things happened this semester like my incredible boyfriend and all the new friendships I formed and the freshmen in the Bible study I get to lead! So I can still say that God is faithful and good in all he does.
Throughout the year, God has shown me that my struggle with the sin of pride is truly a heart problem. Throughout my whole life I have learned what a humble person looks like; I'm good at playing the part. In 2017 God has shown me the many different forms pride takes in my life. He has shown me the ugly insides to all my actions and all my motivations. He has opened my eyes to the reality of my humility facade that had even me fooled. As I was reflecting, I was able to look at the specific ways I've grown and separate them into 3 categories:
In January, I committed to learning about humility for the whole year, Ll 12 months. My church in Greeley, Journey Christian Church, challenged everyone to pick a word that you would bring before God and focus on for the entire year. I would like to say that I chose "humility" but in reality, God chose that word for me. And let me just tell you, you'd better mean it when you tell God you want to learn about humility. Because He won't play around with that stuff.
It might be useful to begin with a brief summary of my 2017 so we both have an idea of my life events:
I wrapped up my freshman (sophomore?) year at UNC! It was an insane semester but I grew a heck ton. I went on a mission trip with Navs to Phoenix, AZ. I was chosen to be on leadership for The Navigators. I crowdsurfed for the first (and last) time. My brother and I road tripped to Salt Lake City because we had it in our minds that In-n-Out was worth a 9 hour drive there and back. (it wasn't.) Overall, quality semester.
Over the summer I did an internship with Open Door Ministries in Denver, CO. I wrote a series of 4 blog posts about that summer. So read those if you want to know about what I did and what I learned!
This fall semester was without a doubt the most difficult time of my life so far. I was faced with a lot of loneliness and feelings of inadequacy (more on that later). But a lot of really amazing things happened this semester like my incredible boyfriend and all the new friendships I formed and the freshmen in the Bible study I get to lead! So I can still say that God is faithful and good in all he does.
Throughout the year, God has shown me that my struggle with the sin of pride is truly a heart problem. Throughout my whole life I have learned what a humble person looks like; I'm good at playing the part. In 2017 God has shown me the many different forms pride takes in my life. He has shown me the ugly insides to all my actions and all my motivations. He has opened my eyes to the reality of my humility facade that had even me fooled. As I was reflecting, I was able to look at the specific ways I've grown and separate them into 3 categories:
- Humility in leadership
- Humility in my relationships with people
- Humility in my relationship with God
I want to dedicate a separate blog post to each of these categories so that our collective reflection on the practical implications can be more fruitful and I won't feel like I need to leave anything out.
We will begin with leadership where I believe my pride is most obviously seen, then move on to my relationships with other people where I'll discuss my loneliness and how that relates directly to pride, and end with my relationship with God which is the most important and most influential to all aspects of my life.
I'm really excited to dive right into my year of humility and remind myself of everything God has done this year and I hope you enjoy coming along with me!
Much love,
Amanda
Thursday, August 10, 2017
TOIB #4: The Wrap-Up- A Reflection on Love
Okay so I finished my internship about a week or so ago. I figured I should write a final post to let all you readers know that I didn't have a terrible summer, even though my last post might convey that. And it may surprise you, but I left with a heavy heart.
My heart was heavy for the youth I had grown fond of. For the Learning Center with amazing kids and an even more amazing staff. For the other interns who were going back to their own schools or jobs. For the homeless people that were always there as I walked to work. For the city of Denver and all the lost and broken souls on its streets.
And as I reflect on my summer and all the people I met, I understand why I feel so soft towards a place that I so strongly disliked only a month ago. While I was there, and while I was writing my previous post, I was so focused on my own experience that I didn't fully realize that I was beginning to love Open Door and everyone there. And when all the crap went away, on my last week I began to feel it deeply for everyone I spoke to. Even for those who I didn't get along with very well or for those I rarely spoke to. I loved them.
I could write a lot about Christ's love and all the different ways we should be loving each other. But I want to zero in on the Learning Center and how the love of Christ was so plainly shown to me during my time there. One of my best intern friends, Grace, worked primarily with the preschoolers. It was so cool to see how much she cared for and loved on these little ones. I remember one time we were talking about some of the more difficult kids. She said that she can love them through all their bad behavior because she knows that who they are right now is only a reflection of what is going on at home and around them. They aren't old enough to understand everything that's happening to them. So they act out.
These kids would scream and cry and kick and bite. They were often blatantly and intentionally disobedient to the rules of the classroom. I saw all the teachers get angry and frustrated. But it was always clear that they wanted the best for the children. They always forgave and always treated the kids with respect and love. Most people would say this is just an example of good teaching. And while they're not wrong, I saw such a deep and genuine love that it had to be divine.
Another example of this love came when I heard a teacher apologize for the way she treated a kid. He was in time-out for whatever reason and I was lucky enough to eaves-drop on the conversation between the teacher and the kid. While she obviously still expected him to follow the rules and be respectful, she respected him enough to admit that she hadn't acted kindly and asked for his forgiveness. The amount of humility and vulnerability it took to apologize to the kid blew me away. It's not something you see from a lot of childcare workers.
Now, God's love for us has been compared to the way we love children so many times that I'm not going to pretend that I have any original thoughts on the topic. This was simply the first time I had been able to experience it and witness it and it truly blew me away. Their unconditional, vulnerable, overflowing love for children who weren't always pleasant to be around inspired me to be that way to everyone I meet.
This is the love I realized I was feeling towards the youth group; how badly I wish I had more time with them so I could get to know them even better. This is the love I felt for the homeless in that community that I didn't interact much with, but was always around; my heart hurts for the brokenness in that marginalized community. This is the love I felt for the other staff and interns at Open Door who give so much of their time in such a challenging environment.
It was deep and it was forgiving and it was God-given.
I pray God gives me the strength to live my whole life loving people like they do at Open Door. With understanding for unfortunate circumstances. With grace for past mistakes. With boundaries and healthy rebuking. With vulnerability of my own mistakes.
Much love,
Amanda <3
I would absolutely LOVE to talk more about my internship. I had so many experiences that are impossible to write down on this blog. So if you're interested or have any questions about the ministry or what I did there, please reach out to me! I'd love to talk to you about it.
I would absolutely LOVE to talk more about my internship. I had so many experiences that are impossible to write down on this blog. So if you're interested or have any questions about the ministry or what I did there, please reach out to me! I'd love to talk to you about it.
Sunday, July 9, 2017
TOIB #3: Being OK with Boring
I've grown to hate the question, "How's your internship going?"
It's asked by friends and family who (I think) genuinely care about me and what's going on in my life. Which is why it's so difficult for me to answer.
If I'm being honest, the last few weeks of this internship have been incredibly difficult for me. I was hating my job in the kitchen because I kept screwing up and I didn't even want to be in the kitchen I wanted to hang out with youth. And I couldn't hang out with the youth because either they were gone on a trip or I was more needed in the kitchen. And I was angry about it all. After I spoke to my boss about it and received encouragement and some advice, I felt better. Until the next day when I lost my wallet and then the day after that when I wasn't able to stay within budget when buying all the food I needed for the Learning Center and the day after that when I lost my water bottle.
I found myself moping around wondering why it sucked so much when I was doing exactly what God told me to do. If it was God's plan for me why was it terrible?
It took me weeks to work through all of that. Which is why I haven't blogged about any of my experiences; I haven't felt like I've had any experiences that were worth writing about.
By the grace of God I was able to overcome most of those struggles. But I still found myself struggling with one other thing. That pesky question of "How's your internship going?"
I have friends that are doing incredible things with their summer. They're camp counselors. They're in another country doing missions. They're at an intense discipleship camp with all their friends. And I see pictures being posted and I hear stories of God's amazing work being done in them and through them and then I look at myself and the work that I'm doing; I don't have any amazing stories or any great spiritual revelations. When people ask me that question, they don't want to hear about how I lost my wallet and everything sucks. They expect to hear about how great of a time I'm having and how I've seen God work in amazing ways and my life will never be the same after this.
And I know that when I go back to college I'm going to be surrounded by these people who have incredible stories to tell from their summer and I won't know what to contribute.
Recently, though, I've learned some things.
The first is that no work for the Lord should be done for your personal glory. It was incredibly prideful and selfish to hate the job just because it won't give me any interesting stories to tell. I'm envying the experiences that God didn't want for me right now, failing to look for joy and purpose in the work that God has for me. I was led to the book of Ecclesiastes because I figured if you're pretty bummed out and feel like everything sucks, Ecclesiastes will understand you.
Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 says, "I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they life; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil- this is God's gift to man."
God's gift to man is to enjoy not only leisure but also work. I was choosing to hate this work that is God's gift to me. And when I am doing what God wants me to be doing, I should be joyful and confident that I'm doing good work. Good because He has called me to do it.
The second thing I've learned is that from the time Esther was crowned queen to the end of the book 6 years pass! I don't know why, but I thought it was like... six months or something like that. Go read Esther all the way through, but think about all the time that spanned between the events. What was Esther doing during all this time? Well the Bible doesn't tell us. But you can be certain that she was continuously learning more about God and ready to do his will. She was just chilling, doing her queen thing and also following the Lord.
Similar to Esther, I had been reading Acts. A whole lot of amazing stuff happens in Acts. A lot of time passes as well; the Bible doesn't tell us exactly how much time the apostles spent in each city. But I know they didn't just show up, preach a sermon, and move on to the next city. What were they all doing in between their miracles and amazing messages? Well, following God and learning more about him. Always ready to do what He prompted them to do. Just because I don't have an amazing story to tell, it does not mean that I'm not doing good work.
So I think I'm really in one of these in between moments. If my life were a Bible story, this summer might look like, "And she stayed in Denver for two months before moving on to Greeley." But it is no less important. Following God faithfully is not always going to be amazing noteworthy things happening. But that doesn't mean it isn't good or worthwhile. I need to just keep doing my thing and following Jesus, waiting for Him to tell me what His next big move is.
Much love,
Amanda
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