I've been learning a heck ton, people. And these last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life for various reasons. Tonight I was finally digging into the Bible more and spending some quality time with God that didn't involve me whining to Him and then going to bed. And I felt the need to write some of this stuff out.
Recently, a friend of mine wrote me a letter (How cool is that?!) about one of my last blog posts. She wanted to remind me that I wasn't alone in how I was feeling and thanked me for being vulnerable "so that the rest of us know we're not alone either." It impacted me and it challenged me to continue to be vulnerable about parts of my life that I normally wouldn't share with all of my Facebook friends and the 100 people who do click on the link that I share. So here we go.
Basically, I'm really sick of God telling me to do things that suck. Tonight I find myself on the upswing of a really bad month. I find myself in the thick of what appears to continue to be a really difficult school year. And as I reflect on everything that has happened to me in the last year (both painful and not) I am hit with the realization that I caused all this when I committed to making God the king of my heart around this time last year.
About a year or two ago I learned what the word "heart" is referring to whenever it's mentioned in the Bible. The basic summary is this: "heart" refers to the emotional center of a person. It means your emotions, your desires, your motivations. It's your decision-maker. Here's a nice link I found that elaborates on that if you're interested.
There's also this really popular praise song that's called "King of my Heart." Now, I don't enjoy that song. So the song as a whole did not inspire any of this. But I remember hearing the beginning of the song which says, "Let the king of my heart..." And ever since then the image of making God completely sovereign over the most intimate and, what most would consider, uncontrollable parts of my being has struck my soul to its core.
Last year I prayed that God would begin molding my heart to look like his. I prayed that God would align my desires with what he desires for me. I prayed that God would use my emotions to benefit my walk with Him. I have learned yet again that one shouldn't make a commitment like this to God unless you really mean it. By the grace of God, I did mean it. And God has been following through.
And honestly, it's been quite the process.
I've learned a ton about what it means to "Trust in the Lord with all [my] heart and lean not on [my] own understanding." I've been so angry with God. I've been so weary of my life. (Not in like a suicidal way but in a HOLY CRAP IS THIS EVER GOING TO NOT SUCK kinda way.) But ultimately I've learned how to trust in God's character through the circumstances that aren't very fun. I've learned to acknowledge my disappointment and anger and sadness in a healthy way.
There are two Psalms that have helped me figure this out. The first is Psalm 42, the key verse being the final one:
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
The second is Psalm 121:
I lift up my eyes to the hills
From where does I help come?
My help comes from the Lord
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
not the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
When I read these Psalms, I am reminded why I gave my heart to God in the first place.
My God is worthy of my heart.
My God is good and will not treat my heart carelessly.
My God wants what is best for me.
My God is a God who is there with me when I am heartbroken or disappointed. Over this last year I have had so many friends come and sit with me and cry with me. While I sat on my bed late at night with these friends I saw such a clear picture of the kind of God I gave my heart to. And I know that my heart is in the hands of a God who will sit with me when I am sad. And he will rejoice with me when things are going well.
Ultimately I know that God will work all things out for my good (Rom. 8:28). And he remains near when I am unable to see him or unable to pray. And he will pick me back up on the other side, dust me off, and keep on walking through life with me.
I don't want it to seem like my life has been only grief and horribleness. The point of this particular post is to reaffirm that my God is good. And my God is faithful. And that I can still say that even when I'm not happy.
I love you guys. I hope you know God loves you too.
"Praise the Lord, all nations! Extol him, all peoples! For great is his steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 117
Happy February!
Amanda
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