Hey y'all! Hope you're all doing well. Thanks for deciding my thoughts are worth reading. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I feel like I need to warn you all that I'm going to be talking about rape in this one, and that it might be a rougher post than normal. This blog is meant to be a record of my journey of growing in faith, and so I really feel like I need to write this.
Let's get into it.
Perhaps the primary lesson God is teaching me this semester is the beautiful truth that salvation is for everyone. Jesus died for everyone. He died for the marginalized and oppressed. He died for those cast out by culture and even by the church. Everyone. And I'd love to reflect on what that means some other time. But what I am thinking about tonight is a more difficult part of "everyone" that Jesus died for.
Last month, at church, I saw the man who, two years ago, raped a friend of mine.
My entire body tensed in anger. What was he doing here? The more I thought about it, the more livid I became. And it took all of my self control to not walk up to him and start saying something that I would have regretted.
The message that night was great. It was about God's peace, and trusting in God when life gets difficult or confusing. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not make myself be okay with the fact that the truth of the sermon applied to both me and to the rapist sitting about fifteen seats away from me. As I was praising God for his endless forgiveness, so was he.
I thought of a conversation I had with a coworker some years ago. His question was essentially, "If I killed a bunch of people, you're saying God would still forgive me? God would still let me into heaven?"
Of course, being the good knowledgeable Christian that I was, I replied with the story of Saul turned Paul. And how God erases all sin and can use everybody no matter what they've done in the past. Saul had a hand in the death of countless Christians before he turned to Christ.
Where was that Amanda now, who so boldly and joyfully proclaimed that God can forgive any sin? I found myself sitting confused and angry at a God who would forgive and love a rapist. A God who would give the same promise of peace and hope to both me and him. And quite frankly, I am still sitting angry and confused trying to figure it out.
I do not think it is inherently wrong for me to be uncomfortable with this. Rape is evil. I have no doubt in my mind that every act of sexual violence that is committed grieves and angers my God. How can I reconcile this truth with the truth that "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved" (Romans 10:13)? In my human mind, God cannot be wholly merciful and wholly just simultaneously.
I do not know the heart of the man who violated my friend. I cannot judge his salvation. I cannot speak to anything that might have happened between then and now. But somehow I sit here choosing to believe that he is less deserving of God's love than I am.
I've been faced with the truth of God's forgiveness more and more as I study the book of Jonah. A lot of people know the story of Jonah as a man who ran from God and then got swallowed by a whale (though it was actually a giant fish,) prayed to God, and then was saved from the whale (fish). The Veggie Tales main theme song for the Jonah movie is "Our God is a God of Second Chances." A choir of angels shows up in the belly of the fish and serenades Jonah with this message. And it's true, y'all. God is a god of second chances. But I think people miss a larger piece of the story. I certainly had.
After Jonah gets saved from the fish, he actually goes and prophecies God's warning to the people of Ninehvah, the most evil and hostile city of that time.
Surprise surprise, God does spare Ninevah. And Jonah is pissed about it. Jonah would have hated that city and all its people. He probably at some point had prayed for God to destroy them because of the evil that was being committed in those walls. And so after Jonah leaves the city he waits around to see if God is going to destroy it and is inevitably disappointed.
Because God is a god of second chances for everybody who calls on his name.
Often I read Jonah and am amused at how foolish he is to be so blind to the truth of his own sin and the truth of God's unending grace. But not this time. When Jonah sits himself down on a cliff to watch the destruction of his enemies, I am sitting there with him. And when God challenges Jonah's anger and pride, He is challenging mine.
And I am still trying to figure it all out.
Just last week my church prayed over bibles we're sending to a pastor who works in a state prison. I began crying as I prayed over the bible I picked up, moved thinking about God's redemption reaching the incarcerated. I praised God for his ability to transform a life and to redeem everyone. I prayed for the individuals who would hold that Bible to be touched by God's power and love and freedom.
Maybe one day I'll be able to pray the same thing for this guy.
Much love,
Amanda
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